(This article was fully typed on October 25th, 2017. It was a work in progress to finish. My severe feeling of depression in the article does not mirror how I feel today.)
Today was the type of depression that felt like I was literally drowning. As I was walking toward the Rec center at the university to get my daily spike of serotonin on a curved treadmill, I couldn’t help but literally gasp for air. The mental pain tried to physically manifest itself, as often it does with depression.
The worst part was after the workout.
The sensation of drowning, all my hopes, all my dreams that had been shattered this year (in large part due to the depression), and every little sensation of joy was simply snuffed out by the crashing wave of depression.
It felt like God had left me, abandoned me to suffocate in this dark and drowning vessel of a failing body.
My mind compelled me with a thought that not only felt so comforting but also gave me the drive to do it. I wanted to do it.
I wanted to commit suicide.
I so wanted to kill myself, the waves were just overwhelming, the darkness was so blinding. It felt like I was drowning in pure darkness and the darkness was infiltrating my soul, attempting to take control of my entire being, forcing my very will to desire suicide.
I began to cry all of a sudden as I walked through the parking lot. Crying of great memories, crying of how life was before my depression, crying of why I am like this, crying of how my life has always been influenced by this disorder, crying of my current situation, crying of why I have to suffer from a genetic form of depression that I never knew I had until the past eight months before.
As I got into the car I began crying even more, and keep in mind this whole crying in the parking lot-car-thing was something out of my control. It’s not like I expected or wanted to cry, the pain was just beyond unbearable that somehow the tears just poured out.
Driving was even worse than walking in the parking lot. I truly desired to die, and now I was in a machine that if I turned in the “supposed wrong” way I could truly end it all. It didn’t help that the university was located literally on a 60 mph highway.
At this point, my will was seemingly fully oppressed. My mind was dead-on doing a forgivable yet irreversible action… but as I prayed to God “Abba, why, why this dreadful pain, please. I want to die… please help me get out of this. Help me.” I was reminded I wasn’t supposed to do this. This wasn’t the way I was supposed to escape this chemically-desolate tragedy.
And I didn’t, I just kept driving home. Which was extremely — extremely — hard because the desire to kill myself did not let go one bit. But for a time it seemed like the lie that depression controlled my will was lifted.
That night the darkness of it all was surreal. In total, the depression didn’t even revolve around memories. It simply was just there. Total and complete hopelessness, emptiness, worthlessness, with no reason or trigger that could have brought on those feelings.
As the night continued no amount of Gods truth satisfied my heart. Even reminding myself of His Glorious death on the cross and His Gracious and Amazing Love was unable to lift my chemically lacking Spirit. I felt completely alone, exiled, forgotten, lost, and as if God had completely left me. It was a true simulation of hell.
Within this darkness I had to push through, I had to keep on going. If I couldn’t push through it meant that I could literally– literally die, and not by natural causes but by my own hands.
The darkness was so engulfing that I cried multiple times that night, not getting the relief I desired. But throughout my journey on fighting this biological depression, general anxiety, and obsessive/intrusive thoughts, if there is one thing that I’ve learned is to not trust my feelings. My feelings tell me that everyone has left me, that nobody Loves me. That I am a failure, that I am lost and that God has exiled me away from his presence.
But this is all a lie. God is and was always there for me. He’s been screaming at me in the midst of my sorrows “My child! My son! Hold my hand! I am here! Don’t listen to the faulty feelings and what they cause your mind to think. Don’t believe the thoughts that the demons or your brain says to your conscience, listen to my truth, my child! I am the truth.I Love you beyond comprehension! Please, listen to my truth. I am, was, and will always be here for you even when every single part of your life crashes to the ground. You are not alone, for I am with you to the end of the age.”
Those thoughts did not necessarily alleviate the immense and monstrous despair that I was feeling. But it did give me the will to push on and count on God to push me through. I did not feel better at all thinking those thoughts throughout the night, but I knew the next day could and would be a completely different day; with new feelings and desires to arise. To be honest, my mind, body, and soul were completely dead-on not surviving the night. It felt like it was gonna be my last day on earth. It was literally impossible in my head to imagine the next day. That’s how desolate my mind was of chemical.
But on that night that’s all I needed, a push. I needed to be reminded that I could never trust my feelings or my thoughts. I needed to be reminded that this wasn’t the end, even with my will to live exhausted and my will already persuaded to just kill myself already.
I must push through my feelings and thoughts. Not doing so could literally mean death.
I learned a great lesson that day. One that would be a massive breakthrough in my recovery for my depression. Or you know what, it was probably a lesson I already learned and was just reinforced by God and His awesome sovereignty.
In the midst of a darkness so great, when the darkness drowns your very soul and infiltrates your very being; God is still there. His truth remains the same even when your mind, body, and soul tell you otherwise.
In the midst of depression, it feels like the very Messiah that died for you has left you. But oh how that is a lie from Satan and a sinful — fallen body. It took me eight months to realize that God didn’t really leave me. That I was still saved and Loved by Him.
Jesus Christ is always there. He’s always there even when the mind and body signal otherwise. I know this for certain as I go through more depressive/anxious episodes and remind myself in the midst of the darkness that He is there, crying with me. Within the times when my soul is devoid of emotion and life, Gods voice has constantly comforted me.
It’s amazing how reminding yourself of Gods presence is so key to recovering from depression. It doesn’t get rid of all the pain. Trust me… it doesn’t, and it’s not supposed too. But its meant to fight the lies that depression often tells you. If it can give you even a tiny bit of relief or allot of relief (depending on whether your depression is biological, situational, spiritual, a combination of the three, and other factors) that’s what counts.
Gods Love is far greater than you know. He’s a God that cares, a God that shows compassion, a God that knows you and deeply cares about you and your depression no matter where its roots lie. He’s there to be that voice of comfort, his verses are there to push you through to fight and dispute the negative thoughts that can pour in during a depressive episode, his grace is there to remind you of just how much he cares for you. And in the midst of this journey of depression God has shown me that all that has happened this year because or greatly influenced by the depression is all part of the great journey he has still in store for me. That He is working all things for the good of my being.
I am excited.
I can’t wait for what lies ahead! Even in the midst of this recovery.
Welcome to a window into my journey. A window into my life. An authentic and honest view of how I am growing with God (Whether through a lesson being learned or through depression). As God has helped me throughout this time to grow closer and stronger in Him, I hope that I can be of any help to you through all my experiences.
Welcome to a window into my life, a God-blessed, awesome journey that I Love being a part of.